Why You Feel Like You're at War With Yourself (And How to Finally Make Peace)

"I know I should set boundaries, but I can't say no."

"I know I'm worth more, but I feel guilty charging it."

"I know I need to prioritize myself, but I put everyone else first."

"I know what I should do, but I don't do it."

If you've ever felt this internal battle—knowing one thing but doing another—you're experiencing cognitive dissonance.

And it's absolutely exhausting.

For 40 years, I lived in this constant state of war with myself.

I KNEW I didn't want to drink. But I did it anyway.

I KNEW I needed to change. But I stayed stuck.

I KNEW I was capable of more. But I played small.

The gap between what I knew consciously and what I did unconsciously was destroying me.

Until I learned what cognitive dissonance really is—and more importantly, how to resolve it.

What Is Cognitive Dissonance?

Cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort you feel when you hold two conflicting beliefs, values, or attitudes at the same time.

Or when your actions don't align with your beliefs.

It's the internal friction that happens when:

Your CONSCIOUS MIND says one thing...

"I should set boundaries."
"I deserve to be paid well."
"I need to prioritize my health."
"I want to step into leadership."

But your UNCONSCIOUS MIND believes something else...

"If I set boundaries, I'll lose love."
"I'm not worth that much."
"Taking care of myself is selfish."
"I'm not leadership material."

And when these two minds are in conflict, your body and brain experience STRESS.

Real, physical, measurable stress.

Why Cognitive Dissonance Is So Painful

When you're living in cognitive dissonance, you're essentially at war with yourself.

Part of you wants to move forward. Part of you wants to stay safe.

Part of you wants to change. Part of you wants to stay the same.

Part of you knows you're capable of more. Part of you believes you're not.

This creates:

Mental exhaustion - Your brain is working overtime trying to reconcile the conflict

Emotional turmoil - You feel guilty, ashamed, frustrated, confused

Physical stress - Your nervous system is constantly activated

Decision paralysis - You can't move forward because you're pulled in two directions

Self-sabotage - Your unconscious "wins" and pulls you back to what's familiar

Chronic anxiety - The unresolved tension never goes away

I spent 40 years in this state.

And it nearly killed me.

My 40 Years of Cognitive Dissonance

Every morning, I'd wake up and think: "Today is going to be different. Today I'm going to change."

That was my conscious mind.

But by evening, I was right back in the same patterns.

That was my unconscious mind.

The conscious-unconscious war looked like this:

CONSCIOUS: "I don't want to drink."
UNCONSCIOUS: "But this is who you are. This is how you cope. You can't change."

CONSCIOUS: "I need to set boundaries."
UNCONSCIOUS: "If you say no, people will leave you. It's not safe."

CONSCIOUS: "I deserve better than this."
UNCONSCIOUS: "No, you don't. You're not good enough. Stay small."

And the battle raged.

Day after day. Year after year.

I'd make promises to myself and break them.

I'd set goals and sabotage them.

I'd know exactly what I should do—and then do the opposite.

The cognitive dissonance was so intense, I felt like I was losing my mind.

"Why can't I just DO what I know I should do?"

"What's wrong with me?"

"Why am I so weak?"

But here's what I didn't understand:

I wasn't weak.

I was just fighting the wrong battle.

The Real Problem: Your Two Minds Are Out of Alignment

Here's what nobody tells you about cognitive dissonance:

It's not a willpower problem.

It's an ALIGNMENT problem.

Your conscious mind (5% of your mental activity) wants one thing.

Your unconscious mind (95% of your mental activity) wants something else.

And when these two minds are in conflict?

The unconscious ALWAYS wins.

Always.

Because your unconscious is 19 times more powerful than your conscious mind.

It controls:

• Your automatic behaviors
• Your emotional responses
• Your habits and patterns
• Your self-sabotage
• Your cravings and impulses
• Your comfort zone

So you can use all the willpower you want.

You can "know better" all day long.

But if your unconscious doesn't believe it, you won't do it.

Why Traditional Solutions Don't Work

Most people try to resolve cognitive dissonance through:

1. More willpower - "I just need to try harder!"

Doesn't work. You're using 5% of your mind to fight 95%. You'll lose.

2. More understanding - "If I analyze WHY I'm this way, I'll change."

Doesn't work. Understanding doesn't create behavior change. (This is why therapy alone often isn't enough.)

3. More affirmations - "I'll just tell myself I'm confident!"

Doesn't work. If your unconscious identity is "I'm not confident," your brain will reject the affirmation and reinforce the identity.

4. More shame - "What's wrong with me? Why can't I just do it?"

Definitely doesn't work. Shame only strengthens the unconscious belief that you're broken.

I tried all of these for 40 years.

And I stayed stuck.

Until I learned the REAL solution.

The Solution: Align Your Conscious and Unconscious Minds

The only way to resolve cognitive dissonance is to bring your unconscious mind into ALIGNMENT with your conscious desires.

Not by forcing it.

Not by fighting it.

But by REPROGRAMMING it.

Here's how it works:

Step 1: Identify the Unconscious Belief

Your cognitive dissonance is showing you exactly where your unconscious and conscious minds conflict.

Ask yourself:

"What do I consciously WANT to do?"

Example: Set boundaries.

"What do I actually DO instead?"

Example: Say yes when I mean no.

"What unconscious belief is driving that behavior?"

Example: "If I set boundaries, people will leave me. I won't be safe/loved."

There it is.

That's your unconscious belief.

And until you change THAT belief, your behavior won't change.

Step 2: Challenge the Belief

Once you've identified the unconscious belief, you have to challenge it.

Ask:

"Is this actually TRUE? Or is it just a story I've been telling myself?"

"Where did this belief come from? Who gave it to me?"

"What evidence do I have that contradicts this belief?"

Most unconscious beliefs were formed in childhood. They were survival mechanisms that helped you stay safe as a kid.

But they're not serving you anymore as an adult.

You get to decide: Is this belief still true? Do I want to keep it?

If not, it's time to release it.

Step 3: Create a New Belief

Now that you've identified and challenged the old belief, you need to install a NEW one.

This is where most people get it wrong.

They try to install the new belief with affirmations alone.

But your unconscious doesn't respond to logic. It responds to EMOTION and REPETITION.

Here's the process:

Write your new belief in present tense, as if it's already true:

"I set boundaries with ease and grace. When I honor my needs, I become MORE available to the people I love, not less. Setting boundaries makes me safer, not less safe."

Read it OUT LOUD with EMOTION.

Not just words. FEELING.

Your unconscious responds to emotion, not logic.

Repeat it daily in LIMINAL STATES.

The liminal state is the threshold between waking and sleeping—when your unconscious is most receptive.

• First thing when you wake up (before you're fully conscious)
• Right before you fall asleep (as you're drifting off)

This is when your unconscious mind is open to new programming.

Repeat it for 60-90 days.

This is how long it takes for a new belief to become embedded in your unconscious.

Step 4: Act AS IF the New Belief Is True

This is the embodiment piece.

You can't just SAY the new belief. You have to ACT from it.

Ask yourself:

"If I truly believed [new belief], how would I show up today?"

"What would I do differently?"

"How would I move, speak, decide?"

Then DO IT.

Even if it feels uncomfortable.

Even if it feels fake at first.

Because you're training your unconscious to confirm the NEW belief instead of the old one.

Step 5: Gather Evidence

Your unconscious mind looks for evidence to confirm your beliefs.

If your belief is "I'm not good enough," your unconscious will show you evidence of that all day long.

But if your NEW belief is "I am powerful and capable," you need to train your unconscious to look for THAT evidence instead.

At the end of each day, ask:

"Where did I show up as my new belief today?"

"Where did I act from my new identity?"

"What evidence did I gather that the new belief is true?"

Write it down.

Your unconscious will start looking for more evidence to confirm it.

And slowly, the new belief becomes stronger than the old one.

My Cognitive Dissonance Resolution

Once I learned this process, everything changed.

I stopped trying to fight my unconscious mind.

I stopped trying to "willpower" my way through.

Instead, I brought my unconscious into ALIGNMENT with my conscious desires.

I identified the unconscious beliefs:

"I'm an alcoholic. This is just who I am. I'm weak. I'm broken."

I challenged them:

"Is that actually true? Or is that just a label I've been repeating?"

I created new beliefs:

"I am a powerful, free woman. I am in complete control of my mind and my choices. I trust myself completely."

I repeated them with emotion in liminal states.

Every morning. Every night. For 60 days straight.

I acted AS IF they were true.

Even when it felt uncomfortable.

I gathered evidence.

Every day, I looked for proof that I WAS powerful, capable, trustworthy.

And my unconscious started to believe it.

60 days later?

The cognitive dissonance was GONE.

My conscious and unconscious minds were finally in alignment.

I no longer felt like I was at war with myself.

I KNEW I didn't want to drink—and my unconscious agreed.

I KNEW I was capable of more—and my unconscious confirmed it.

I KNEW I deserved freedom—and my unconscious made it happen.

The internal battle ended.

And I became FREE.

What About You?

If you're living in cognitive dissonance right now...

If you feel like you're constantly at war with yourself...

If you KNOW what you should do but can't seem to do it...

You're not broken.

You're not weak.

Your conscious and unconscious minds are just out of alignment.

And that can be fixed.

Not through more willpower.

Not through more understanding.

Not through more shame.

Through unconscious reprogramming.

Through bringing your unconscious mind into alignment with your conscious desires.

Through installing new beliefs that actually SERVE you.

The Questions to Ask Yourself

Where is YOUR cognitive dissonance showing up?

What do you consciously WANT to do...but don't do?

• Set boundaries?
• Charge your worth?
• Stop people-pleasing?
• Step into leadership?
• Prioritize yourself?
• Take the risk?
• Trust yourself?

What unconscious belief is blocking you?

Dig deeper. It's usually something like:

"If I do that, I won't be safe/loved/accepted."

"I'm not worthy of that."

"That's not who I am."

"I'm not capable of that."

Are you ready to change that belief?

Because you can.

And when you do, the cognitive dissonance ends.

The war with yourself ends.

And you become FREE.

The Invitation

I created The Freedom Formula specifically to help women resolve this internal conflict.

To bring the conscious and unconscious minds into alignment.

To end the war.

To create peace.

12 weeks of deep reprogramming work.

We don't just talk about the beliefs. We CHANGE them.

At the unconscious level.

Where real transformation happens.

If you're tired of fighting yourself...

If you're exhausted from the constant internal battle...

If you want your conscious desires and unconscious beliefs to finally work TOGETHER instead of against each other...

Learn more about The Freedom Formula here (add your link)

Or send me a message on LinkedIn with the word "ALIGNMENT" and let's talk.

Because here's the truth:

You don't have to spend 40 years at war with yourself like I did.

You can create alignment in 12 weeks.

And when you do, everything changes.

The self-sabotage stops.

The knowing-doing gap closes.

The cognitive dissonance resolves.

And you finally become the woman you've always known you could be.

Rooted in faith. Rising in power.